She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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