hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
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Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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