So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
