my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
