You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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