Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
