Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
