what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
