woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
