TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
