Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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