why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
