I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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