did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
