If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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