my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
