and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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