I want you more than these girls want KFC
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
