Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
