I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
