I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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