I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
