I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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