I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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