think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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