Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think i have two assholes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
