me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
