the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
