Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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