Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I just went to clothing optional bar
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
