I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
