Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pooping to opera.
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