ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
