Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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