Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
