my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
