Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
