cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
