Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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