If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
