How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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