Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
he's single and there are thong briefs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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