Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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