i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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