I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
