I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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