If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
