I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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