the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
