Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
