Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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